What kind of person would you like to date? You probably have a list of things you’re looking for—and one quality you want is “attractive.” Because, well, we’re attracted to attractive people; there’s something about their physical appeal that pulls us in. It’s natural to be drawn toward beauty/handsomeness/sexiness. Who wouldn’t want that in a partner?

I definitely believe in choosing a partner whose looks appeal to you. But getting too focused on someone who’s really hot has risks.

For one thing, extremely attractive people tend to look for partners who are similarly gorgeous. If you want to marry a movie star, it helps if you look like a movie star. The rest of us really don’t stand a chance. It’s fine to admire, even fantasize about, someone that hot. But if you’re an ordinary nice-looking person and you’re holding out for a supermodel, you may spend your whole life alone.

Also, think about what life is like for that gorgeous person. He or she can attract attention (and romantic/sexual partners) with surprisingly little effort (compared to the rest of us, anyway). He just stands there, and people flock to him. That’s great for the hottie—but not so great for the partners. The gorgeous person never has to learn how to behave in ways that appeal to potential partners in the long run. She’s probably good at flirting, but maybe not so skilled at being kind, or easy-going, or funny. He may be talented at seduction, but maybe not at being patient, communicating, or being a generous lover. (Attractiveness has nothing to do with being good in bed, by the way.) Sure, there are some very attractive people who do treat others well—but that’s the exception rather than the rule.

On the other hand, think about life for a less-attractive person, someone ordinary. She can’t take for granted that people will be interested in her—she has to make herself interesting. He has to learn how to be friendly or funny or thoughtful or otherwise appealing. These are skills that attract partners and benefit relationships in the long run.

If you’re interested in dating, look beyond the most obviously attractive candidates. What besides looks would you like in a partner? Kindness, generosity, sense of humor, intelligence, common interests, patience, curiosity about other people, fun, reliability—all those matter far more in a relationship than looking hot. Instead of sparkle, maybe look for some warmth.