Your lives are super-busy. What with jobs, taking care of the kids, dealing with the house, and just daily life, you hardly get any time alone with your partner. Even when you do, one or both of you may be so wiped out that sex just isn’t happening.

That’s the reality…but it rots. You aren’t getting the fun of sex and the connection that comes with it. One of you may miss sex a lot; the other may think of sex as one more item to check off the to-do list–which is totally unsexy. You may find yourselves arguing about how often you have sex (or don’t). The easy, playful days of sex pre-kids seem like a distant memory…and you don’t see a path for getting back there.

Maybe you’ve wondered if you should schedule sex: actually put it on the calendar, a date night with benefits. But that seems completely unromantic and sort of forced, right? If you do that, isn’t sex literally another thing on the to-do list?

Time Together, Yes; Sex, Maybe

Here’s my solution: Address the reality of your busy lives by setting aside regular, one-on-one time together. That may be 15 minutes every night after the kids go to bed to hold hands and touch base, and maybe an hour on Sunday afternoon to talk about the week ahead.

Also (and here’s the key), schedule regular “date time” where you can connect apart from the kids—and where there’s an opportunity for sex. No obligation, just potential. Focus on your connection and having fun together, and keep some frisky thoughts in mind.

Neither of you should feel you have to have sex on date night if you’re not feeling it. But both of you should go into the evening thinking it’d be a nice possibility, something you’d be open to. That takes the pressure off and makes the whole evening more fun, whether or not you end up getting it on.

Leverage the Anticipation

One of the unsexy things about very full schedules is that our responsibilities fill up our brain space. You may be so busy thinking about work and kids and tasks that you don’t spend much time thinking about sex.

Contrast that to the early days of your relationship, when you thought about your honey all the time. You couldn’t wait to get your hands on them, right? Anticipating the physical aspects of being together made the whole thing more pleasurable.

Sure, it’s different in an established relationship. But you can still apply the concept.

When you have a date night planned, anticipate the time together—and the possible sex. Think about how you might touch each other, what might be exciting. Your brain plays a huge role in your sexuality; leverage that by consciously inviting those thoughts and letting sexy feelings start to bubble up.

The two of you can also anticipate together. Like, while you’re getting dressed in the morning, tell your partner, “I’m really looking forward to getting my hands on you tonight” or whatever flirty thing your partner would like. You might nuzzle their neck or run your hand slowly down their hip. You might mention you’re wearing sexy underwear under your work clothes. You might text each other during the day: loving, connecting stuff, or flirty, or sexy, whatever your partner responds to.

Basically, get your head in the game ahead of time, and the playing is even more fun. That’s pleasurable in the moment–and great for the connection in your relationship.