Ice cream is awesome, right? I’m not a big dessert person, but ice cream…well, it’s hard to resist.

Still, I eat ice cream far less often than I’d like to because I don’t like the consequences. Unlike my cousin Bert, one of those lucky, lots-of-exercise people who can eat whatever he wants without gaining weight, I can’t afford too many extra calories. So I indulge sometimes but try not to make a habit of it. (And I remind myself I’m lucky I’m not lactose-intolerant; at least I can indulge sometimes….)

I am, most assuredly, ice-cream-positive. I’m also sex-positive. Like ice cream, sex is pleasurable and wonderful. Also like ice cream, sex can feel good in the moment and not so good after the fact, especially when the sex is casual sex.

Among sex-positive folks, there can be a tendency to downplay the value of relationships and connection. Some who embrace sex-positivity think emotions have no place in sex, that if people “catch feelings” or want sex only with someone they’re committed to, that means they’re getting bogged down in outdated societal expectations.

I disagree. I think casual sex works for some people and not for others. Many people find they can’t leave feelings out of sex even when they want to. Lots of folks find sex more pleasurable and emotionally satisfying when they share it with someone they love and trust.

So I’m ice-cream-positive AND in favor of moderation, just as I’m both sex-positive AND relationship-positive.

Here’s a question to ask yourself: How do I feel afterward? If you enjoy your ice cream and feel good the following morning, great! But if you’re unhappy that you blew your healthy-eating goals or are bloated from eating lactose that doesn’t agree with you, maybe you’ll want to make a different choice next time. If you feel happy the morning after a hookup, also great. But if you feel empty, lonely, devalued, or just yucky, that’s information that casual sex may not be the kind of sex that’s right for you.

There’s no one size that fits all with sex or with ice cream. It’s up to each of us to decide whether and how often we indulge.