It’s a tough time to be a teenager. That’s true in a lot of ways, of course. But one big challenge for girls, especially, is navigating the mixed messages they get from peers about sex.

On the one hand, a girl who sleeps with too many partners may be called a “slut”—whatever “too many” means to someone else. (Even a girl who’s never had sex can get that dreaded label, especially if she ticks off a more powerful girl. But that’s another story.) A girl can get ridiculed for having sex even with a single boyfriend if someone decides to use that fact as a weapon against her.

At the same time, girls who don’t have sex may be labeled “prude,” “uptight,” or “frigid.” Sometimes these labels come from other girls, but more often from a boy that a girl has turned down. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he may take his frustration out on her by damaging her reputation in a very different way.

So girls are damned if they do, and damned if they don’t.

Teens often use labels as a way to increase their own social power, and the words can have real, destructive effect. The victim of the labeling often feels ashamed and powerless. There’s nothing she can do to make people stop calling her whatever they’re calling her. It rots.

So what to do? In any situation where people will criticize you whichever way you choose, there’s only one logical response: Doing what’s right for you.

Most of us would prefer to make choices that are right for us individually and that don’t harm us socially. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible, especially in a hothouse environment like a high school. You can, and should, behave like a decent, responsible person. But people are going to think what they’re going to think, even if they don’t know the truth about you.

Especially if there’s no winning when it comes to the external world, that’s all the more reason to pay attention to one’s internal world. What do you want to do? If other people’s opinions were completely irrelevant, what would you do? Is it the right time, person, and situation for you to have sex? Or is something not quite right, at least for now? Are your body, your mind, and your heart all ready? If not, wait until they are.

Take back your power by behaving in a way that fits your values, that aligns with your feelings, that reflects the person you want to be. Then, even if someone throws hurtful words at you, you’ll know the words don’t fit; that label is not who you are.